Best chamois cream: Keep saddle sores at bay with these 12 options

+ Resilient without being sticky
+ Resealable small tubs available
- No women's option
- Expensive

Happy Bottom is my go-to chamois cream. It's more solid than most; more of a paste than a cream, meaning it stays put and doesn't wear out. It doesn't have the minty freshness of menthol options, instead smelling of clove oil which, according to the brand, is naturally pain relieving. As well as being an excellent all-rounder, the smaller 'knobs' for taking with you come in resealable pots rather than single-use sachets. The only real downsides are that the price per millilitre is the highest of the lot, and there is no women's version with an appropriate pH balance. Despite the higher price, I've found you don't need to use as much, so it goes further than you'd expect.

+ Menthol tingle
+ Women's option
- No portable size

Assos Chamois Crème has been my daily option for many years and is what I consider the archetypal chamois cream. The consistency is definitely a cream, but it's more solid than something like Muc-Off, so you can use a little less. If you're after that breezy feeling that only menthol can give then this is the cream for you, being more minty than the Chamois Butt'r Eurostyle. Only available in a tub means you run more of a risk of double-dipping, so be careful who you offer it to. There are no portable sizes for a mid-ride top-up, but it does at least come in a women's option. 

+ Good value
+ Neutral scent
- A little thin

If you want value, or if you're intimidated by the thought of slapping menthol between your legs, the original Chamois Butt'r is a great choice. It comes in a big tube, is the lowest price per millilitre of the bunch, and has a neutral, slightly sweet scent. You can slap it on with gay abandon, and you can pick it up with a female pH balance and in single-serving sachets to pop in your saddle bag for emergencies. A tube, too, is undoubtedly a more hygienic way of dispensing than a tub. The only drawback is that it feels a little thinner than most of the other options, so you may need to use more.

+ Most menthol
+ Reduced plastic
- Packaging less durable

You can buy Mad Alchemy in tubs, and these large sachets are billed as a refill, but there's no reason you can't just use them straight from the sachet, reducing the plastic use by 90%. The consistency is similar to that of the Assos option, but this is even more mentholated, so if you're not sure you like a minty tingle perhaps try the Assos or Chamois Butt'r first and then graduate up if you want a fresher breeze. It is also Vegan, cruelty-free, and made in the USA. Other options may well be too but aren't advertised as such. 

+ Solid
+ Durable packaging
- Harder to apply
- Expensive

This is, unless you're somewhere very cold or very hot, the only solid option on the list. The bar itself comprises coconut oil, shea and cocoa butter so that it melts at body temperature. Application is harder than with a cream or a paste, and a little more patience is required, as well as an acceptance that it'll melt a little in your hand as you hold it, but you also get a more durable product that comes in a handy tin that can be stowed away for touring or bikepacking without fear of leakage or damage. 

+ Silky smooth
+ Great smell
- Thinnest feeling

Muc-Off Luxury Chamois Cream has the most silky feel of the lot, with a consistency that's almost whipped like a mousse rather than heavy and creamy. It does mean you need to use noticeably more than you would otherwise, which can feel a little sloppy until you get used to it. The scent is definitely the most pleasant of the lot too, reminiscent of old-timey barber shops and talc. Another positive is that it comes in women's pH and in travel-sized sachets. The tubs are also large at 250ml, so you don't need to hold back.

+ Long lasting
+ Lightly minty
- Moderately expensive
- No women's option

Chamois Butt'r Ultra Balm is very similar to Happy Bottom. The consistency is very similar, but this option is a little more greasy and moderately more resilient. It's also scented with peppermint oil, so is slightly minty where Happy Bottom isn't. This isn't a super minty option though like Mad Alchemy or even Assos, just a quality paste in a tin to keep you comfy for big days out. Sadly, unlike Happy Bottom, it doesn't come in travel-sized options and doesn't come in a women's pH either. 

+ Incredibly thick
+ Very hard to dislodge
- Hard to wash off your hands

Squirt Barrier Balm is the thickest of the bunch, with a consistency much more like a grease than a cream. It's a small tub, but you'll be able to use it sparingly. It's so hard to wash off it's definitely the choice for prolonged wet rides, or perhaps even something like a triathlon. The scent is quite a strong Tea Tree, and it does contain lanolin so isn't vegan, and it doesn't come in women's or travel-sized options, but if I'm heading out into a deluge for hours this would be my choice.

+ More natural than the original
+ Neutral scent
- More expensive

The feel of Chamois Butt'r Coconut is basically identical to that of the original, except this version is formulated with coconut oil and shea butter, rather than mineral oils and paraffin. You still get the same neutral scent and creamy feel, but no women's pH options in this formulation unfortunately, plus there's a slight premium to be paid to reflect the change of formula. You can still get it in the single-serving sachets though for out and about. 

+ Thick consistency
+ Lovely smell
- No women's option

Ass Magic is very similar in feel to Assos Chamois Crème but instead swaps the menthol feel for more of a tea tree and citrus aroma. It's a great do-it-all option that isn't greasy and is relatively cheap too in terms of price per millilitre. The only real downside is a lack of a woman's pH.

+ Tube application
+ Minty fresh
- More expensive than the original
- No women's option

Given the choice I'd take a tube over a tub anytime, it's just a neater, more hygienic solution that simply doesn't allow double dipping. The problem is, that most menthol options come in a tub. If you want minty and a tube then this is the one for you. The consistency is the same as you get for the Chamois Butt'r Original and Coconut but with a bit of extra freshness and some witch hazel. It does come in travel portions, but not in women's pH, and there is a slight premium over the original. 

+ Neutral smell
+ Non-greasy
- A little thin

Of all the adjectives, 'plain' is rarely one associated with praise. With the Premax Chamois Cream though I found that plain was a good thing. It's mostly odourless, never feels sticky or sloppy, and comes in a tube for better hygiene. It is a little thin feeling, though not as much as the Muc-Off, and while it doesn't come in travel size it does come in a women's pH option. It's about as inoffensive as putting cream on your bum can get, so if it's your first time then it's a good place to start.